In the beginning of the bible we see the first man, Adam. God noticed something about him that to this day every man has to be thankful for, “it was not good for the man to be alone.” Genesis 2:18. Being alone meant there was a part of him that was missing. So God intervened. He stepped in and did something for the man. He put him to sleep because God deeply cared about him. Then, you know the story, he fashioned out of the man something beautiful, unique, and obviously attractive and special to the man. He created a WOMAN! (All the husbands said, “Thank you Jesus”) But Satan came in and immediately tried to destroy their covenant with God and their love for each other. Because of original sin, so many couples struggle with their physical intimacy. If you find yourself in a place as a husband and a wife where your sexual intimacy is struggling or non-existent, there is hope.
Marriage is not designed for you to get everything you want, but to learn how to not get everything you want. This goes totally against the narcissism we see in our sexualized culture. This post is designed to deepen your intimacy with your spouse, as well as give you hope for your physical intimacy with your spouse. Some of you have given up on this area of your relationship, some of you are in a downward spiral, and still others are just really confused about sex and the different opportunities and challenges you may face. I know I have many single readers and I hope this will be an eye opener as to what physical intimacy in marriage might look like. Let me encourage you by giving you three benefits we see in the book of Song of Solomon to deepen your sex life. These are meant to encourage you as you learn to be a lover that serves your spouse. My prayer for you is that God will intervene in a powerful way and use sex in your marriage to strengthen you in three powerful ways.
Three Benefits of Married Sex
1. Provides Rest – The PLACE of rest is extremely important. In Song of Solomon 1:14 there is a place referred to called Engedi. “My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Engedi.” David hid at this safe place from Saul when he threatened his very life. When life is pursuing you and you feel like you can’t go on, find a place for love with your spouse and experience rest. The world moves at a frenetic pace, yet intimacy was never meant to be on a “to-do list.” When you are with your lover, it is to be a holy time set aside for you to experience each other in a way that benefits each other. This always must be done in a way that serves the other. This means that selfishness has no place in the bedroom or in any of your love-making sessions. It is hard to find a place of rest if your spouse is demanding your body. What does the place of Engedi look like for you? This may seem like common sense but here are some suggestions to fashion a safe-place for physical intimacy between you and your spouse.
- A lock on the door – Got kids? Well there you go. If you don’t have a lock then, men, drag yourself down to the hardware store and figure it out.
- A relaxing environment- Get rid of the clutter, ditch the bedroom TV and put away the pictures of your mother. Replace all that with some sensuous things that calm and sooth you. Music, soft blankets, softer lighting and scented candles are all things that can enhance your bedroom. Maybe you should invest in some new bedroom sheets? Whatever it is you do, be intentional about creating a restful place for your loving.
2. Provides Refuge – The EMOTIONS of life can be draining and leave you asking the question, is there any end in sight? Physical intimacy was created by God to provide a man and a woman a balance in their emotional health. This is why Proverbs 5:18 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth“. That sounds pretty desirable to me. Physical intimacy can heal and literally recharge your emotional batteries. As a matter of fact, we know that one of the top reasons couples get divorced is because of a lack of physical intimacy. Where there is a withholding or a bitterness, there will be emotional strain. This is NO excuse for getting a divorce, but an opportunity if you are willing to put in the hard work to experience the restoration power of the Gospel of Jesus in marriage in an incredibly powerful way. Restoring physical intimacy in marriage may be the most difficult thing you have ever done, but take heart and remain true to your marriage vows. God will honor you! In a world that demands, demands, demands, physical intimacy can bring us a safe place of refuge where we learn to love and serve sacrificially, even in the bedroom. Appreciation and unconditional acceptance should be marks of a refuge environment.
3. Provides Refreshment – Sexual intimacy can offer you and your spouse a refreshment that is like no other relationship on earth. God designed it that way. Remember, it was not good for man to be alone, so refreshment is part of God’s plan for your married life. One thing for those of you who are anticipating marriage: Not every time you experience physical intimacy with your spouse is going to be a cloud nine experience, but they all can be refreshing! Here are a few different types of sexual interactions that might help you be realistic going forward in your sexual intimacy:
- The snack – This is just what it sounds like. It isn’t long and drawn out, but it has been referred to as a “quickie.” (Wow, I can’t believe I just said that on my blog). It is well, quick. You won’t always have time to put on a big production, nor does ‘it’ have to be a big production. But passion can flow between a husband and wife powerfully in a snack. You get it? I thought so, enough said.
- The meal – You get the analogy by now right? This is just what it sounds like. When you have a little more time, a place that you have set aside together, and you are both ready, you can share a meal together.
- The feast – This feast my happen at different milestones in your relationship, birthdays, anniversaries or maybe no reason at all, just to plan a feast together. Feasts are usually less frequent. Just a heads up though for guys especially: You know how at Thanksgiving all the food is served at the table and it’s all “hot”? IT TAKES A LOT OF PLANNING. It is more like an orchestra production and less like a solo recording. Catch my drift? If you expect to have a feast every time you have sex, you will most likely be disappointed. A lot of planning and diligent care to the DETAILS will communicate love and acceptance towards your spouse.
I know this is not an easy topic to talk about, and as a pastor, I know that some people don’t think I should be talking this honest and open. But if we let the culture, and not the bible educate us and our children about sex, we are being ripped off! God planned sex for us inside of the covenant of marriage for one man and one woman for one lifetime. Let’s do it right!
If you feel like there is no hope, remember, a healthy marriage relationship will be built on forgiveness. Let this verse encourage you:
“…forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13
Join us for our Song of Solomon series this week, THE MARRIAGE “When Boy Meets Girl” Series this Sunday at the AMC 24 in Hamilton, NJ 9:30am & 11:00am:
- February 10 – The Marriage (What it means to be a servant lover)
To watch last weeks message at 217church about “The Wedding” Click Here